Good Morning! Databricks raised $5B at a $134B valuation, cementing its spot among the most valuable private tech firms. Apollo set a new lending record, originating $97B in Q4 and $309B for 2025. And Kyndryl, the IBM spinoff, plunged more than 55% after its CFO departed and the company disclosed an accounting review.

Eli Lilly is acquiring Orna Therapeutics for up to $2.4B. Sydney Sweeney rang the NYSE opening bell with American Eagle’s CEO. NYC private school tuition is set to top $70K, more than many elite colleges. VCs are questioning whether crypto can build durable, revenue-generating businesses after a $19B haul.

Plus: How the world’s most boring investment started trading like a meme stock, and how to become a better communicator.

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SQUEEZ OF THE DAY

The Petition That Changed Nothing

Nearly a year after a group of JPMorgan employees launched a petition opposing the bank’s five-day return-to-office order, the policy is firmly in place and some of the bankers who signed it now feel they misread the room.

The petition surfaced days after CEO Jamie Dimon told staff in early 2025 that the bank would require employees back in the office Monday to Friday. In the year since, roughly 2,000 employees out of a global workforce of more than 300,000 have added their names.

In hindsight, the low participation rate told its own story. Several employees said they believed attaching their name to open resistance could amount to “career suicide” inside one of Wall Street’s most hierarchical cultures, a view reinforced by Dimon’s expletive-laden internal remarks criticizing remote work at the time.

The mandate went into effect in March 2025 and applied to the minority of staff still operating on hybrid schedules. Dimon’s stance made leadership’s position unmistakable and underscored a broader reality inside JPMorgan: policy would not be negotiated through internal activism.

A year later, the concern among some signatories is less about the policy itself and more about perception. In a bank where promotion, staffing, and high-profile assignments depend heavily on senior judgment, employees worry the episode may have quietly marked them as misaligned, even without formal retaliation. In competitive industries like investment banking, perception can compound quickly.

The return-to-office debate has also shifted across the industry. Rather than softening, mandates have hardened. Goldman Sachs moved early to restore a five-day office week after the pandemic. Société Générale ordered staff back four days a week. Other sectors have been slower, but investment banks in particular have shown far less tolerance for remote work.

Part of the explanation is cultural, part financial. Senior leaders who built careers in office-centric environments often expect the same commitment from younger staff. At the same time, banks have spent billions on long-term real estate, including JPMorgan’s $3bn Park Avenue headquarters that opened in October and a new European HQ planned for London’s Canary Wharf.

Takeaway: Investment banks appear to have settled the return-to-office debate internally. Flexibility may still exist in pockets, but it flows top-down. Many bankers learned that while policy can be debated privately, public dissent against senior leadership can carry asymmetric career risk.

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HEADLINES

Top Reads

• Databricks completes $5 billion funding round at $134 billion valuation (CNBC)

• Apollo sets lending record in push to rival Wall Street (BB)

• Kyndryl stock crashes after former IBM unit discloses accounting review (WSJ)

• Lilly strikes deal for Orna Therapeutics for up to $2.4 billion (BB)

• Sydney Sweeney rings stock exchange opening bell alongside American Eagle CEO (Fox)

• NYC private school tuition breaks $70,000 milestone for fall (BB)

• Crypto crashes rattle venture capitalists after $19 billion haul (YF)

• How the world’s most boring investment started trading like a meme stock (CNN)

• A critical AI niche is dominated by one little-known Japanese company (WSJ)

• Private credit joins race to rebuild Europe’s defense industry (BB)

• Goldman says hedge funds add record shorts on US stocks in rout (BB)

• Easy-money loans backfire on rookies in the home flipping market (BB)

• Ex-General Atlantic executive in $1B fundraising drive for ‘hypergrowth’ companies (FT)

• Insurance broker stocks tumble as OpenAI approves first AI insurance app (BB)

• Sam Altman touts ChatGPT's reaccelerating growth to employees as OpenAI closes in on $100 billion funding (CNBC)

• Elon Musk pivots SpaceX to moon from Mars as IPO approaches (YF)

• Goldman issues a blunt warning to beat-up software stock investors (YF)

CAPITAL PULSE

Markets Rundown

Market Update

• U.S. equities rebounded sharply as dip buyers stepped in, capping a volatile week

• Treasury yields ticked higher, with the 10-year up ~2 bps

• U.S. dollar and WTI crude were little changed amid ongoing U.S.–Iran tensions

• Gold and silver rose modestly but remain below their 2026 highs

Sector Trends

• Small caps led the rally, extending early-2026 leadership

• Technology bounced, though dispersion remains elevated amid AI capex scrutiny

Earnings & Corporate News

• Amazon announced $200B of planned AI-related capex for 2026; shares fell ~10% after hours on margin concerns

• Combined AI capex plans from Amazon, Meta, Alphabet, and Microsoft total ~$650B in 2026, a ~60% YoY increase

• Markets are increasingly selective, favoring firms with clearer AI monetization paths

Economic Data Highlights

• University of Michigan consumer sentiment improved, with lower inflation expectations in February

• Earnings season remains strong: ~79% of S&P 500 companies have beaten estimates with an ~8.2% average upside

• Q4 earnings growth expectations have risen to ~11.4%, with gains across 8 of 11 sectors

Looking Ahead

• The key 2026 theme remains broadening market leadership away from the most expensive mega-cap tech

• Solid fundamentals, improving sentiment, and broadening earnings support equities despite periodic volatility

Movers & Shakers

• (+) Oracle ($ORCL) +10% after the technology company was upgraded by DA Davidson.

• (–) Hims & Hers ($HIMS) -16% because Novo Nordisk sued the company over its knockoff weight-loss pill.

• (–) Kyndryl ($KD) -55% after the company announced an accounting review and leadership shakeup.

Prediction Markets

• The US Jobs Report for January comes out tomorrow at 8:30am EST.

• Trade on real-world events with Kalshi. Use code OWS to get a $10 bonus when you trade $10.

Private Dealmaking

• SambaNova, an AI chipmaker focused on large-scale model training and inference, raised $350 million

• Uber acquired Getir’s Turkey food delivery business from Mubadala for $335 million

• Resolve AI, a developer of AI agents that fix software issues, raised $125 million

• RobCo, a developer of industrial robots, raised $100 million

• Alaffia Health, an AI platform for health plan claims, raised $55 million

• GrubMarket, a food supply chain platform, raised $50 million

For more PE, VC & M&A deals, subscribe to our Buysiders newsletter.

BOOK OF THE DAY

Be a Sequoia, Not a Bonsai

Description: A strategic, insight-driven playbook based on the growth journeys of some of the world’s most successful companies. Cohn and Goodman identify seven key principles that separate long term industry leaders from short lived competitors, from fostering adaptive cultures to building scalable innovation systems. Instead of chasing viral success or trendy tactics, the book emphasizes structural thinking that creates lasting expansion and resilience.

Book Length: 240 pages
Release Date: March 24, 2026

Ideal For: Founders, CEOs, leaders, strategists, investors, and anyone intent on building organizations that grow deeply and last.

“Growth that lasts is not a sprint. It is a forest that keeps rising.”

DAILY VISUAL

That’s Snowbiz, Baby

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The platform scans the entire data room, identifies key financial metrics, and flags discrepancies across all sources. Teams see conflicting numbers side by side, understand why they differ, and determine which figures are underwriting-ready, all with full auditability.

Leading deal teams across private credit, private equity, and banking are using F2 to automate end-to-end workflows and cut diligence time by up to 75%.

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DAILY ACUMEN

Energy Management

You don't have a time problem. You have an energy problem. You can find time for anything, but you can't manufacture energy for everything.

Some tasks drain you. Others energize you. An hour of draining work feels like three hours. An hour of energizing work feels like twenty minutes. Same time. Different energy cost.

Smart people audit energy, not just time. They ask: what gives me energy? What depletes it? Then they design their days accordingly. Do energizing work when energy is high. Batch draining tasks when energy is low.

Remember, manage your energy and time manages itself.

ENLIGHTENMENT

Short Squeez Picks

• 5 ways to supercharge your productivity 

• One small tweak that boosts happiness

• How energy-aware communication changes the way teams perform

• How to be a clearer, more effective communicator

• 5 phrases to use when talking to your boss

MEME-A-PALOOZA

Memes of the Day

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